Disappointment

The only downside to being faithful is how it increases the potential for disappointment. Total belief in someone, something or anything is virtually to handing over your balls to that particular object of affection. So in the inevitable event of a fallout somewhere down the road, your future is dominantly crushed, inadvertently or not, by the very safe you hoped would shield them from all harm.

In my case, the safe was sealed shut by the horrible cold weather and therefore leaving my nuts in that cold steel safe to bask in subzero temperatures.

ok, so im just ranting on how i had to postpone my first ever skydive because of weather. In hindsight, i was expecting it to be cold. One coz i always planned to skydive on on of my birthdays, and its in november. And in Chicago, november means too cold to jump of a plane and further give that wind chill the advantage in terms of the battle between heat and cold.

but im pissed nonetheless. when i do get to jump, wether next weekend or in march, i will flip off the snow and the cold. i will swear at it till my spit dries up or starts dribbling up my face. (yes, up since i'll be falling real fast) and then ill do a 720 spin and do a flash kick to the air and shout THIS IS SPARTA!! (i dunno it just feels like it'll let out any pent up aggression)

but tilll then ill sulk. coz i was real excited about this. grrrrh.

Reinforcement

It's so shitty when you know something is not right for you, but you WANT it so much that you have to force yourself not to do it.

However, in the act of forcing yourself not to do it, you are also indirectly reinforcing the fact that you DO want it and end up wanting it even more.

What's worse is that if something that's good for you is being affected directly by that bad thing in a way that you can only fully manifest the good thing if you are able to let go of the bad.

And of course i thought of this because its happening to me right now.

Girl K. I work with her. She's cute and hot in her own way. To me at least. I have a lot of things in common with her. We enjoy each other's company, however, she's currently unavailable. Bad thing: I like her. As in -more than friends which she won't allow to happen- like her.

Girl L. Hot chick. Had a class in summer with her. Hot chick. Other people say it more than i do.
For some reason is very fond of me and had grown even fonder over the course of spring, summer and fall. We are currently in what people would call the dating phase. Unofficially a girlfriend. The absolute opposite of me. Has every abused vice imaginable. But she's hot. Good thing: She is willing to change if i commit to her. and she's hot.

So me being the uncontrollable craphole that i am, decides to alienate self with K. She puts up a fuss but in her oh so perfect understanding way she agrees. Now we do not talk at all. Not even eye contact. And we work together. All this so I can focus my "feelings" on to L.

HOWEVER, it is not working. and it's all because of this Reinforcement. Every time i ignore K, and i ask myself why, the answer is not L. It is still K. I am stopping myself because I like her. If i didn't like her i wouldn't have to hold back. But it is pointless. She's loyal, one of her many endearing qualities. At least with L, i have a hot chick that digs me, and with a little work will become just as good. But i shouldn't compare.

BUT I SEE K EVERYDAY! And in the course of a workday it is impossible for eyes not to meet. And there was a time when she'd smile when that happened. If i had to spend more time in the office id die.

So what mindset do you take? How do you not reinforce the hopeless case? I'm not against being just friends, but i can't help it. A big part of me wants to be the royal ass and say "you're not married yet so i can still try to steal you away"

(deep sigh) hopefully letting it out here will relieve it a bit.

No it won't. It'll just reinforce it.

Frustration

What is frustration, really?

A riff that continually plays in your head, but however hard you try, you cannot lay it out into notes. All that comes out is gibberish.

A stupid answer in a test that you thought you had aced. (and this aint just for academics)

The friggin check engine soon light on your car.

A gorgeous girl who takes the effort to talk to you after class, walks you to your car and gives you her phone number (hmm im now wondering why I didn't do that first) but when you call her she's always busy, she doesn't return text messages and that dinner you plan always gets postponed.

Hmmm so i guess frustration is basically caring enough for someone or something to worry about it, but at the same time be completely clueless on how to make things better with it.

Quick solution? try not to care at all? hmmm i think distracting yourself is way easier. in time, either the object of frustration will go away, or in the time spent being distracted you will learn or discover the solution to the frustrating problem.

So maybe i should learn some new scales and techniques so i can finally translate this mental tune into a rocking orchestration.

Maybe I should start double checking. triple even.

I still don't know what the fig is wrong with my engine. Maybe take it to a pro? hahah.

Crap. I still need some more distraction on the last one. Anyone can teach me a new scale?

Being alive

What if being alive isn't all it's cracked up to be?

I picture all the things we so easily classify and most often look down upon as "nonliving". Next i wonder if being alive is really a higher form of existence than that of, say, a sedentary rock.

The rock is what it is. Wether it knows that it is or even just what it is unfathomable to us. It does not need any external or internal stimuli, reaction or anything whatsoever to be a rock. It just is. It has no needs, and does not destroy anything. It follows but its own consistent path, and it's "reaction" to anything applied to it will be nothing but a rock's reaction. In short, it is perfectly a rock.

We always say nobody is perfect. No human is. The rock is perfectly a rock. The sand is perfectly sand. The water is perfectly water. That is until man's tainted hands get a hold of them and disturb their perfection. How can it be perfect if it can be disturbed, you say? Because MAN is ANTI-PERFECT. any "living" being is anti perfect.

Any action by a "live" being (who else can do actions anyway?) disrupts everything around it. If some divine being created the universe as a perfect manifestation, then the creation of life is the start of the slow inevitable decay of perfection.

Maybe buddha really became a statue when he reached that utmost peak of existence. perfection. as gold(initially in a fat guy statue form, maybe). that someone probably melted and turned into something else. but still. gold, and forever will be gold. until some live thing discovers a way to ungold it.

do we attain perfection when we die? i'd like to believe so. that perfect peace. although how can an anti-perfect become perfect? maybe we don't maybe we just really disappear.

that sucks.

My Fable

The easiest way to narrate something you'd rather not but need to get out of your system is to explain the event/s or situation/s in such a way that you will understand them but anyone else who listens to it will probably not (but most definitely could).

So I Begin.

There was a brown wolf that wandered far from the forest into the great cities of white and black trees. After finding his place in the city, he was able to meet up with other animals who came from their own distinctive forests. Together they realized they can create great sounds by utilizing instruments they were skillful with. Like Machines they started to function like clockwork working together to orchestrate the majestic, utterly brilliant manifestation of beauty through sound. Heaven, Hell and Purgatory only knows what the future holds for these band of auditory savants.

Why do physical traits have to be in the way? A beautiful red apple opens up to a coreful of squirming worms. The funky odor and the numerous thorns of a durian mask the savory goodness of what's inside. If only trying again was as easy with people as it is with fruits.

I'll hold your hand behind the other's back. Keep me close that i can hide behind you or you behind me. I know the other will always be there, trapped by the eternal bond. But still our bond is stronger. For maybe in truth it is I who am the other. And in truth, that which seems eternal is but persistently fleeting.

Blazing Wings. spicy rubber on bones.

Is success only a tool to brainwash everyone into doing the same shit over and over again through the course of existence?

Why does religion have the need for praise? I see faith and obedience as good qualities. But praise only builds upon the concept of superiority and inferiority. I am willing to be "good" in whatever sense of the word. But if i am not willing to set myself under others, i am also not willing to raise anyone else above me.

Nobody cares what is right and wrong anymore. Everything is just "moving forward"

I hate math.

I guess i'm not speaking in fables anymore but what the hell.

im out.